Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
