dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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