i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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