a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
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Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
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You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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