I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
