Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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