life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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