just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
