Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
