Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
and she was petting her beer can
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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