I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
