He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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