Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
