I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
