life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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