I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
