apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
