Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
