Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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