My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
we're so committed to being not committed
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
