I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i think im in europe. pls send help
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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