ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Let's get the cat blown out
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
