our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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