you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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