Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
