I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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