So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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