That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
