you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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