what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
