I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
