im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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