Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
