There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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