I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed