cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.