Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You may now shotgun with the bride
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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