I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
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Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
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Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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