Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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