I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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