so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
