I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
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I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
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She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Every concussion has its silver lining
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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