If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
