I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
