chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
