woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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