The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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