At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
