it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
