the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
