I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
