i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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