Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just invented taco cereal.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
