omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
