Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
