Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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