Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
