The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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