fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the day after is always just damage control
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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